3 Surefire Methods to
Minimize Miscommunications
My hearing failed that Sunday.
The episode began as the worship pastor lifted the first song. I harmonized during the chorus, like I typically would.
To my left, a strong singer started to harmonize.
Hitting. The. Exact. Notes.
Her powerful pipes made it impossible to hear myself. Like carrying a conversation next to an opera singer bellowing into a microphone, my voice drowned in hers.
An impasse soon intruded: should I keep harmonizing when detecting my own voice proved futile?
Singing may not resonate with you, but do you recognize the struggle to have our voice heard? In my case, the physical need was pressing. But the metaphorical is just as demanding—so much so that some choose backfiring tactics.
Take Heather and Lola*, for instance. Heather, bent on milking the most sympathy out of every conversation, spotlights her woes at every turn. She endured more spankings as a child; married the worst womanizer in town; and has a sorehead of a landlord. When Lola attempts to share how rambunctious her two-year-old behaved, Heather cuts in. “Tantruming toddlers are nothing new. My teething baby, though—he’s feverish, so last night he wouldn’t stop wailing. At 2 in the morning our landlord banged on the door, telling us to keep him quiet! The nerve!” As Lola sighs about being a single parent, Heather interjects, “Oh, have I told you our puppy is missing?”
Fed up by her failure to get Heather to listen, Lola snaps. “You need a therapist!”
(Take it from me, a therapist by trade; those are fighting words—especially when fueled by frustration!)
If there’s a Heather in your life, consider these guidelines to get her attention.
- Begin with “I”. Lola would’ve been more effective had she disclosed her feelings instead of being hostile. Who wants to listen when they’ve just been attacked?
If you wish to be heard, don’t storm; inform.
Yes: Heather, I feel as though what I have to say is unimportant to you.
No: You always cut me off!
Own your position. It produces sympathy.
- Start soft. If your mom whispers when speaking, and your ears are straining to collect each syllable, you’ll shush the stereo and eliminate competing noises, right? The emotional parallel is similar. Rather than expressing loud emotions—such as anger or jealousy—try softer ones instead (like hurt, confused, rejected).
Yes: It hurts when you ignore me.
No: I’m so sick of your ego! You’re not the only one with problems!
- Time your talk. Is your listener distracted or distressed? Then wait. People can’t focus on your words if their condition isn’t optimal; so, offbeat as this might sound, consider making an appointment. “Hey, I wanted to share something. Is there a time that works for you?”
Buying time benefits you, too. It can modulate your feelings, so that when you do communicate, your words will drip with prudence—not pellet-like anger.
Back to my dilemma at church. As much as I enjoyed harmonizing, I valued hearing my voice more. So, I scrubbed harmonizing.
Singing melody felt wiser.
Don’t you think?
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*These are fictitious names and identities.
tags: listening, relationships, therapy
