NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION

What was once a serene prayer time is now no more. 

Once the room detected the couple—who had slipped in with their newborn—some started oohing. Others smiled. The gathering, intended to cover the Sunday service with prayer, closed 10 minutes early as the leader briskly walked to where the couple sat, eager to gush over the tiny newcomer.

Both the husband and wife were beloved members of our church’s pastoral team. 

One thing’s certain—I witnessed how everything changed the moment that baby entered our awareness. 

I wish the same could be said about our baby parts. But if this language is foreign to you, let me explain. I’m talking about parts of our soul that may be very young in age—whether a baby, infant, or small child. Regardless of how old you are biologically, chances are, you have some young parts residing within your soul. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy refers to parts that carry difficult feelings, memories, or beliefs as exiles.

Why exiles?

Because other parts of our soul, called protectors, prohibit these exiled parts from approaching us. Protector parts’ goal is to keep us from emotional flooding (for example, panic attack, depression, or suicidal thoughts). There are many weapons protectors can wield to accomplish their objective, but let’s focus on these three:

1. “Thinking is superior over feeling.” 

The culture’s insistence to prioritize thinking over feeling is one of protectors’ hardiest line of defense to keep us away from our young parts and their difficult memories. From the admonishment to discount emotions (because they’re fickle, messy, or irrational) to the ready respect we bestow on smart folks (because they possess a bright mind), we’ve have been taught to sideline feelings—as though emotions have nothing substantial to offer. 

2. “Feelings lie.”

This particular myth runs rampant among churchgoers, perhaps because pastors and songs keep parroting the above line. Just consider the following snippet from a contemporary worship song: “I won’t be formed by feelings, I hoId fast to what is true.” 

What can the songwriter mean except to emphasize how feelings aren’t trustworthy?

3. Spiritual Bypassing

Spiritual bypassing refers to the attempt to respond to emotional needs using spiritual methods. Let me explain. I once watched a seasoned IFS therapist demonstrate how to conduct IFS therapy. The client was a self-proclaimed Buddhist. During the demo, the client acknowledged that he meditated for hours each day to escape his feelings. 

What the man did is a classic example of spiritual bypassing. He used the Buddhist concept of meditation to empty his mind and therefore, moved far away from his feelings.

Here’s another example: if the thought of losing your job causes you to tremble inside, and you respond by praying or singing hymns to get rid of the fear, you’re spiritually bypassing the issue at hand. 

Responding to Protector Parts

Don’t get me wrong. Praying to God, including when you’re anxious, is appropriate (Philippians 4:6). Worshiping God is a beautiful thing (Psalm 147:1). The point is not to eschew these powerful spiritual disciplines, but to engage in them while also making space for your emotions. 

In other words? Pray, yes, but also listen inwardly to your exiles. That is, focus on the parts that feel afraid, ashamed, inferior, or any other difficult emotion. 

But if your protector parts are like mine, they won’t let you approach your more vulnerable parts unless you first assure them that you’ll be okay—regardless of the emotions or memories that come your way.

So, start by befriending your protectors. For instance, if you have protectors that utilize the three arguments we saw earlier, try the following responses. 

1. “Thinking is superior over feeling.” 

Both thinking and feeling have legitimate purposes. Yes, feelings are not as tidy as thoughts. But no matter how messy they are, feelings won’t kill you. (An IFS expert once taught that it’s not feelings that will kill you—denying them is what will do it.) 

The more you listen to your emotional parts—including those young, vulnerable exiles—and inquire as to what they need from you, the more you’re paving the way to have a satisfying life. 

2. “Feelings lie.” 

No, they don’t. Feelings are reliable packets of information that let us know how the world is impacting us. In The Healing Power of Emotion, Dr. Diana Fosha exclaims that emotions “can bring about healing and lasting transformations” (p. 173). She should know—she created an approach to therapy called Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy, which relies on emotions as the agent of change.

3. Spiritually Bypassing Protector Parts 

Feelings arise for a reason. This is true when you’re not fully aware why you’re feeling what you’re feeling. It’s still true even when the reason for your feeling doesn’t seem logical. The point is, unless the Lord miraculously uproots the original cause for your worry, fear will likely return after you end your prayer.

And if this happens, it would be helpful to tend to your soul directly—by listening to the part that’s fearful. Ask it: Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of? What do you need from me to alleviate your worries?

Once you ask these questions, don’t think up the answer. Just listen inside for what your part has to say. And if you can fulfill your part’s request, please do so.

You do not have to do IFS therapy to make room for your young and vulnerable parts. I applaud any method that respects—instead of derides—our soul. May I encourage you to pursue an approach that fits you, so you can best attend to your soul’s needs?

I pray that we would all learn to welcome our young parts, just as the prayer meeting I attended embraced the tiny infant when she came.