I’m not suggesting observing the day by donning your lacy dress or dining alone at a bistro (unless you want to). The point is to accept that you’re hurting on this Valentine’s Day. Rejecting reminders about this day or pretending February 14 wasn’t associated with anything will only backfire, because ignoring important issues never produces permanent peace. Research indicates avoiding uncomfortable feelings now creates more anxiety later.

But please don’t mistake this step as a license to heighten your heartache. For instance, if you’ve just survived a separation, do you really need to stalk your ex’s Insta account? I know—a part of you is curious about what he’s been up to or whether he’s scrubbed all references to you. But if satisfying your curiosity means inflaming your pain, is it worth it?

It’s hard to imagine that healing will happen by being a glutton for punishment, like when you scroll through image after image of his preening self.

2. Swap Criticism for Compassion

Valentine’s Day is dedicated to celebrate romantic love. So, let’s use this day to review your relationships. This works whether you’ve never been married and this day taunts you with what you’ve never tasted, or if you’ve enjoyed the pleasure of companionship, but it fizzled.

Criticism doesn’t catalyze healing. So, let’s review your relationship history with compassion.

Let’s acknowledge:

The truth. If you hate that you’re lonely, say so. If you wish things could’ve turned out differently with your ex, own it. There’s no sense denying what’s true because truth is an alias for Jesus (John 14:6). That’s why truth always finds a way to make itself known.

The good. Even unhealthy relationships can contain threads of positivity. To whatever extent your past flames forged memorable moments, feel free to welcome them. Deplorable memories don’t have the right to erase the sincerely enjoyable ones.

Your inner critic. It’s your own fault for marrying an alcoholic!, Why are you still single? There must be something wrong with you! If versions of these statements have cornered you before, there might be a part of your personality that’s bent on blaming yourself. That’s the bad news. The good news is sometimes inner critics relent once we inform them that their harshness hurts. As you break this news to your personal critic, let it also know that multiple factors contributed to your relationship history—more than what self-blame can account for.